


Close To Happiness

by diabolicaldean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18 coda, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Author Is A Clown, Bad English, Bad Writing, Castiel Makes a Deal with The Shadow (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Goodbyes, I guess character death but since I still hope Cas will live I won't tag mcd, I'm Bad At Tagging, It's called a shadow here? okay, M/M, Men Crying, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Sad Ending, Season/Series 15, The Author Regrets Everything, author is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26212144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diabolicaldean/pseuds/diabolicaldean
Summary: “You know I’m bad with these chick flick moments crap.” Castiel snorted, letting himself feel the warmth that spread through his chest. “You’re doing just fine, Dean” Dean rolled his eyes and squeezed Cas’s hand a little bit tighter “Shut up.”Coda for 15x18. After that trailer dropped and both Cas and Dean were crying I got a bit inspired and wrote this
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	Close To Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> K, before you start reading this I gotta warn you. If you're expecting a well written fic that makes sense 100% of the time and that has a normal ratio of dialogues and monologues then this is not for you. I’m not a writer, I don’t have a clue how to write and I make grammar errors like crazy. But I like to explore my abilities and I thought why the hell not, I’m bored and the material is right there, let’s have some fun. There’s a lot of bullshitting throughout the fic and it includes more than just 15x18 so yeah if you just wanna read 15x18 related stuff scroll until you see a “15x18” title. I kinda speed over deancas's first meeting and then get more into details in s15. Also idk how the dialogues are gonna look like, but I’m trying my best to keep it in character. Hope it’s not too boring for u :)

*Based off of theories for episode 15x18*

If you were to ask Castiel how he imagined his death, he would’ve probably answered you with something along the lines of “in some sort of an apocalypse” and “on a hunt”. He never thought his deal with the empty would actually proceed to happen because truthfully, Castiel can’t remember the last time he was genuinely happy. He’s not really sure if he ever was happy, although he has to admit he came close to happiness on a few occasions.

For example, the first time he came close to feeling any sort of feeling more than contentment, he realized what free will was. His image of Heaven was unquestionably ruined but he learned that there are things beyond mindless obedience to an absent Father. _Trust. Loyalty. Independence. Relationships. Understanding. Love._ To a Castiel from a decade ago, these words would be perceived as nothing but human foolishness, things designed to distract human conscience from the truth.

The truth being that there was in fact no free will. He learned that from a very young age from none other than his brother, Micheal. When Castiel first questioned what free will is and if seraphs also had free will, Micheal was the one to explain what an angel’s purpose is.

“ _Do not fall for our Father’s words, Castiel. Free will is nothing but a way to separate souls worthy of Heaven from those destined to fall under Lucifer’s influence. Free will is an illusion, a test really. Those who call sins and disobedience “free will” were destined to go into Lucifer's hands since they were created. Seraphs were created to protect those who are certain in our Father’s plan. We do not get a luxury of sinning or fulfilling our desires.”_

And Castiel believed those words, he did. It made orders easier to follow, words easier to worship. It helped keep that always present voice of doubt quiet. Until he saved the Righteous Man from perdition.

Dean Winchester. At the time the name meant nothing to Castiel except that this human was his brother’s vessel. When Dean summoned him in that barn, Castiel was… intrigued. The man in front of him was nothing what a Heaven’s vessel should’ve been. The Righteous Man was supposed to be a devoted man, obedient. Prepared to give away his life for God’s plan, to not question Heaven’s choices. Much like his vessel, James Novak. The man in front of him however, was nothing like James Novak. He reeked of nothing but doubt, anger and self-loathing. When Castiel showed him his wings, he could sense Dean’s fear and disbelief. The man was in denial even after Castiel proved his identity.

Nevertheless, Castiel still didn’t pay him much mind. He completed his mission, the vessel was alive and Castiel had other orders to follow, seals to protect. Speaking of seals, the first time Castiel let that voice of doubt overflow his grace was when he saw Dean’s response to Uriel’s plan of protecting Samhain’s seal. Dean had no reason to care about all 1,214 lives yet he did. The way he couldn’t fathom the insignificance of those lives on a larger scale made Castiel really think about Heaven’s way of handling things.

Each of those 1,214 lives had an impact, no matter how small and here Heaven was, wiping them out as if they are not God’s most sacred creations. After Sam Winchester killed Samhain, Castiel knew he would follow them anywhere, that he would follow _Dean_ anywhere. He started to believe that maybe angels are allowed to search for their own free will. 

And here he is, shoulder to shoulder with Sam and Dean after a decade of staying true to his words and following Dean Winchester, undoubtedly becoming more human than any seraph before him. Sam and Dean taught him what humanity really is, made him feel things when an angel shouldn’t even be able to feel. Especially Dean.

After he became human himself, Castiel began to understand that things he felt as an angel towards Dean were unique. At first he felt this responsibility to protect Dean from any harm coming his way. He never felt that sort of responsibility for anybody else. While he was a commander and he felt responsible for his brothers and sisters beside him, this was a different kind of responsibility. He was _happy_ to stand by Dean’s side and protect him. He wasn’t in charge of Dean, he wasn’t _ordered_ or _threatened_ to bring Dean back from missions in one piece, he _wanted_ to do it. Seeing Dean in pain made his chest feel weird and he concluded that he never wanted to feel that again, not if he could help it. And then…well Castiel took a long time to realize he was slowly but surely, falling in love with Dean. He always gravitated towards Dean.

He wanted to study his features, to see the way his face expressions change depending on the emotions he felt. He wanted to learn to feel things like humans do, like Dean did. Castiel was innocent enough to think that learning from Dean would be easy. Aside from being Micheal’s vessel, Dean was not like other people. He felt things differently, expressed himself differently, spoke differently. It was a challenge for an angel to learn emotions from such an emotionally unstable man himself but Castiel was not the one to back away from a challenge.

When he became human, emotions he tried to feel in the past washed over his body. He felt grief, anger, hunger, disappointment in their true nature. He didn’t expect feelings to be that overwhelming. It was the best and the worst moment of his life. He finally felt what all humans could but unfortunately he experienced more negative than positive emotions. Rejection and heartbreak being the hardest ones and he felt them for the first time because of Dean. All the hopes he had of Dean caring for him like he cared for his family fell into the water when Dean told him he couldn’t stay with him anymore.

When Dean basically confirmed his fears of not being enough just as himself, “angel mojo” and wings aside. His experience with mortality was mostly dark but even in dark times there is a positive period. He learned how to truly rely on himself, how to make the best out of bad situations. In a strange way he was grateful for his humanity because he got to experience what human love feels like.

And even though it was painful and unrequited, it felt pure. It made his body more free in a sense. It made him who he is today. He came close to happiness when Dean Winchester came back for him and proved to him that he means more than his abilities. 

When he made that deal with the empty, Castiel didn’t give it much thought. Although not biologically, Jack was his son and Castiel swore to Kelly Kline that he would protect him with everything he had. It was not just that promise that made him take the deal, it was his love for Jack too. He couldn’t imagine what his life would look like with Jack dead. If that meant that he had to trade his happiness for Jack’s life then so be it. With apocalypse Micheal threatening to destroy his world and Dean being a part of his plan, Castiel had no hope to feel happiness anytime soon. And if he had any doubts that he wouldn’t experience happiness in the near future, “Why does that something always seem to be you?” wiped them away.

The words themselves didn’t mean much to him but the voice that said them and the emotions behind them was what killed any doubt Castiel ever had in that deal. He lost Dean’s trust completely, something that was always there even when Castiel betrayed it, even when nobody believed in him. Losing Dean’s trust and weakening the profound bond they seemed to make stronger over the years definitely made Castiel question his entire purpose in the older Winchester’s life.

Their bond was unstable from the start, with a lot of distrust and carefulness in every step on the way. Despite all uncertainty, it only continued to grow stronger. Dean and Castiel continued to subconsciously gravitate towards each other to the point they couldn’t live without the other by their side. Their relationships grew from friendship to brotherhood to… Castiel doesn’t know what he would call their bond right now. Castiel may be naive and inexperienced, but he isn’t stupid. He knew what they felt for each other was something only couples would feel.

Over the years he studied the way Dean looks at Sam and his friends and in his gaze he saw nothing but admiration and love. He looks at Castiel the same way but there was always something different in it. The fondness which is reserved for Castiel’s eyes only. The way Dean’s gaze darts from Castiel’s eyes to his lips every time they get close. Lingering touches and inside jokes and just overall communication between Dean and Castiel is different than anything Dean has with other people.

It gave Castiel hope that one day Dean would accept himself and let Castiel show him just how special he truly was. So when Dean looked at him after he said those words, fondness and love Castiel was used to seeing in Dean’s eyes gone and replaced by hurt and betrayal, Castiel’s heart broke in ways he never experienced. It hurt more than Naomi’s mind control or seeing Metatron’s blade covered in Dean’s blood. What really put a nail into his coffin was feeling their bond take brutal hits and it felt like only one string was left to still hold their souls together.

If he was being honest he regretted leaving the bunker the second it’s doors slammed behind him. But he knew he was better off, at least for now. He needed to find himself again, to go back to the roots of his humanity. Truth was, Dean Winchester was the source of all his newly learned emotions. Whenever he felt something it was because of Dean. When he felt angry at his Father, he felt the anger because his Father’s plan hurt _Dean._ When he felt grief he felt it because _Dean_ was no longer beside him. When he felt confusion it was because _Dean_ made a pop culture reference or gave Castiel strange nicknames that everyone understood except him. Basically whatever emotion he felt was connected to Dean, rarely was it all connected to himself. Castiel needed a new start, needed to sort his humanity out and figure out how to start feeling things for himself, because of himself. 

His first week of self discovery, Castiel felt miserable. His weakened bond with Dean took a bigger tool on him than he imagined. He didn’t know how much he was used to it being his anchor until he lost it. He could still feel Dean’s longing but it was nothing like it used to feel. When their bond was at its strongest point, there was this unconcealed need in it, uncloaked tenderness right beside the need. Castiel enjoyed feeling the need grow bigger when he was away from Dean. It assured him that he was wanted, that Dean liked having Castiel close.

Now there is still a need in their bond, but it's full of regret and shame. It made Castiel want to go back and give in to the urge to take care of Dean, to finally tell him why he had to leave and what he wanted with him. But he fought it off because he knew Dean wasn’t ready, and to his dismay (or luck?) Dean would never be ready. 

Weeks went by and he got settled into a routine. He started learning about the town he was currently in, using a credit card that Charlie Bradbury made for him and the Winchsters so that they don’t need to worry about the money income. He didn’t know her for long but he wished she was still alive. She was nice to him. _“She’s like a sister to me”_ Dean's voice suddenly pops into his head. He shook his head slightly as if that would make the voice disappear.

Everytime Castiel thought about the redhead, Dean’s voice would join him. He knew what she meant to both of the brothers and he can’t help but wonder if Dean would maybe be… different if Charlie was still alive. He tried not to think about how much Dean seemed more comfortable to talk about more sensitive matters with Charlie than him, but now that he looks back it made sense really. Charlie was open about her identity and she was in a way a much smaller, much more innocent version of Dean. Maybe if she stayed alive Dean would be comfortable enough to come out of his shell and let himself be his unapologetic self.

Castiel knew how much issues Dean had with his sexuality, between growing up in a homophobic environment and not having role models or people to talk to. After a few shots of whiskey Dean was an open book and he talked about his experiences with both genders. Castiel wanted to talk about it when Dean was sober but as always when it comes to talking about Dean’s feelings, Dean shut him down before he could even ask a question. Castiel debated whether or not he should talk to Sam about it but he knew that he wasn't supposed to know this secret in the first place so he kept his mouth shut. Although something tells him that Sam already knows about Dean’s sexuality but chooses to wait on Dean to come clean. He understands them both really, he just wished he was able to show Dean that there is nothing to be afraid of and that now he has all love and support he missed out on when he was a teenager. 

As for his own sexuality and gender identity, Castiel didn’t really pay much mind to it. He was a celestial being, a ball of holy grace. He didn’t have a gender, he just went with his vessel’s gender. He guesses he doesn’t mind being called a he or a she, and after some further google research, he doesn’t mind being called a they either. He wasn’t the one for labels but he guesses he would be “gender-fluid” as humans called it.

Sexuality was an easier subject to figure out. He was indifferent to any sexual orientation. He supposes he wouldn’t care if Dean was a man or a female or a non-binary… he fell in love with Dean’s soul, his personality. It's ridiculous how he's supposed to discover himself without the Winchesters and yet he’s using Dean as a guide to figuring his humanity out. He was lying in his motel room, glancing at his phone screen on the nightstand every few seconds. Sam tried to contact him 17 times via call and 34 times via message. The context of those messages led him to believe Sam had no idea what went down in the Bunker’s library and that he thinks Castiel just left unprovoked. Of course Dean didn’t tell him. Castiel is getting tired of Dean’s non-talking. It’s what brought them into this mess in the first place. 

Getting away from the leviathans in the Purgatory was a hard task with his grace weak and with leviathans being worthy opponents. In the end he managed to escape and take the leviathan blossom. His left arm was covered in cuts but they were not lethal so Castiel let his grace slowly heal them instead of trying to heal them quickly and risk a major exhaustion wave. He was pretty tired as it was.

His mind kept chanting ‘find Dean, find Dean, find Dean’ like a broken record. After hours of searching he finally found the rift. His timer told him they had half an hour left before the rift closed and Dean was nowhere to be seen. Millions of possibilities fill Castiel’s head at once - _What if some other creatures found Dean and killed him? What if the leviathans came back to finish the job? What if he got lost? What if-_ And that’s when he heard it.

_Cas? Cas, I hope you can hear me..._

It’s been so long since he heard Dean’s prayer and Cas couldn’t help but huff a little laugh when he heard it. Dean was _alive._

_...that wherever you are, it's not too late._

“Not too late for what?” Castiel asked himself aloud. Is- Is Dean thinking about their last time here? Surely he doesn’t think Castiel would leave him again in Purgatory?

_I should've stopped you_

Castiel’s breath hitched, his back connecting to a nearby tree. He hoped this wasn’t what he thought it was but as Dean continued to pray, Castiel realized Dean is finally coming clean about his feelings. He let exhaustion take over his body and he found himself on the ground as Dean’s prayer became more desperate, raw honesty and emotion filling their broken bond. 

_And I -- I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me so long -- I'm sorry it took me till now to say it._

_Cas, I'm so sorry._

He longed to hear those words since their falling out. To know if their bond is beyond broken, if Chuck was the end of their story. His entire being felt tired, pain in his shoulder now more intense but he didn’t care. He got what he wanted, he got Dean to open up and be honest with himself for the first time since, Castiel guessed, forever. He wanted to go after Dean but he concluded it would be a smarter idea to wait for Dean to find him. Castiel knew Dean would. Dean always found him. 

  
  
  


**15x18**

  
  


“I need to tell you something”

Castiel froze at those words, pausing his reading. After Dean’s confession in Purgatory, things between them were better than ever. They still had things to sort out, feelings to talk about but there was this new found trust between them, hope for something better than what they had before. He realized Dean was ready to finally accept himself the way he is and to talk about their relationship.

They were tiptoeing around each other, testing the waters but never entering them. Things were good between them, that tension and pent up frustration somewhat gone. If it wasn’t for the deal, Castiel would let himself imagine their new life together, but everytime he let himself think about them that way, he would inch closer to happiness and now was not the time to disappear. He managed to contain his feelings after the prayer, but he would be lying if it wasn’t hard to watch Dean open up to him in ways he never allowed himself before and not being able to reciprocate.

He wanted to, badly, but he wasn’t ready to leave Dean. He would never be ready to leave him but now especially. He wanted to stay with Dean until the end, even if he couldn’t be with him the way he wanted to. 

“Cas, you okay?” Dean asked worriedly and then Castiel realized he’s been silent for too long. He dreaded this conversation but it had to be done. He put the book down “I’m okay.” Castiel said, his eyes fixated on the small dent in the table. Dean lowered his head, trying to catch Castiel’s eyes.

“Can you look at me?” He paused and then added “please?” Castiel looked up at Dean, his eyes softening at the sight of the man in front of him. Dean looked nervous but determined. Castiel imagines the hunter rehearsing his speech countless times, trying to think of words that would not sound like something from a “chick flick” and yet that would get his message over loud and clear. He felt the longing in their bond now more than ever. Castiel gave Dean a slight nod to tell him to continue.

“I’ve been thinking lately, um- About us. As in you and me.” Dean started, now looking less sure than he did seconds ago, but he continued speaking. “I know I wasn’t always treating you the way I should’ve. Some days I would be harsher than necessary and other days I was completely out of the line. I know I already told you this back in Purgatory but I didn’t get to tell you the whole truth.” Dean takes a sharp inhale, breaks away their eye contact and looks at the table.

Castiel’s urge to sooth takes over and he carefully places his hand over Dean’s. Dean squeezes it in appreciation and leaves his hand in Castiel’s “I told you that I didn’t know why I got angry at times. And at the time that was true. But now, I guess one of the main reasons is because of constantly trying to be a shoulder to lean on for everyone... Eventually I forgot I should stop pretending to be okay once I’m alone. But it grew into a habit and when you’re a 30 something year old man, it’s hard to drop the old habits. Especially in a hunter’s life. Just as it was hard to stop denying who I was.” He looked up at Castiel “And then you came along” Dean gave a small smile and Castiel couldn’t look away from his face.

“You made it so much harder for me. I had to try harder than ever to deny all the things I felt every time you would come into the room, everytime you would forget about personal space. I tried so hard to write my feelings off as nothing more than what friends feel because every time I let myself think of you as something more than a friend, my dad’s voice would tell me how disgusting I was for feeling this way about another man. And I obeyed that voice as if it was John Winchester himself, alive and in the flesh, yelling things right into my ear.” Cas rubbed in soothing circles with his thumb into Dean’s palm, telling him it’s okay without actually using the words.

“Sometimes I was really angry at you, feelings aside. But most of the time? I thought if I pushed you away enough you would leave me and it would be easier for me to “move on” from everything you meant to me. Add in the rage from always getting caught up in some sort of an apocalypse and you get an idiot who lashes out every five minutes.” Castiel wanted him to stop talking because he knew once he heard the rest of Dean’s confession, he wouldn't be able to contain his happiness.

He dreamt of this moment, he imagined the way he would get to have Dean and finally be able to hug him or kiss him every damn time he wanted to. This was torture but he knew if he stopped Dean now, there’s a possibility Dean would think this was a waste of time and it _wasn’t_. To see Dean freely talk about accepting himself was everything except a waste of time. Castiel was proud of him. 

Dean huffed out a soft laugh and used his other hand to wipe over his face. “I’m really getting away from the point, huh?” Castiel reached over to Dean’s other hand which Dean immediately took and laced their fingers together. 

“No, far from it,” Castiel said quietly “You don’t understand how liberating is to hear you talk about your feelings with no restrictions and I’m… ( _happy_ ) glad you’re talking about them with me” Dean smiled bigger this time, stood up from his chair and sat on the end of the table while still holding Castiel’s hand. He placed their intertwined hands on his thigh, his thumb rubbing small circles into the front of Castiel’s hand.

“You know I’m bad with these chick flick moments crap.” Castiel snorted, letting himself feel the warmth that spread through his chest. “You’re doing just fine, Dean” Dean rolled his eyes and squeezed Cas’s hand a little bit tighter “Shut up.” He took a deep breath before he started again

“What I’m trying to say right now is that… I don’t know how much time we have left and… Castiel, I love you. I’ve been in love with you for so long that I don’t think I will ever be able to stop. And seeing this thing with Chuck will probably end with one of us dead, I want to make the most of the time we do have” Dean looked right into Castiel's eyes, raw certainty filling them.

“I’m tired of pretending.”

Whatever self control Castiel had, it shattered into pieces when the first ‘I love you’ came out of Dean’s mouth. For a second he forgot about everything, every doubt, every fear, every restrain he had in his body and let himself _feel_. He grinned and let a single tear spill over his cheek. Dean wiped it away with his thumb and Castiel leaned into the touch. 

“Dean, I-”

“Hello, Castiel” a familiar voice interrupted them. Both of them flinched, their moment broken. Castiel was confused at first and then he remembered. He let his guard down. 

Castiel was expecting The Empty to show up in Meg’s vessel like it did the last time but instead of her, The Empty put on another face -- Dean’s face. 

Dean turned around to see himself staring back at him, a smirk placed on its face. 

“Cas…” Dean was still looking at himself -the empty- “what the hell is that?” His voice hardened at the end, his hand already reaching behind his flannel for the gun as he got onto his feet. “It won’t do me any harm, you idiot. You’ll be only wasting bullets” The Empty said. Castiel stood up from his chair.

“Mind filling me on what the hell are you and why do you look like me?” Dean said, now frustration evident in his voice. “I mean I could…” The Empty started and took a step closer. Dean instinctively took a step back and stretched out his arm protectively in front of Castiel. The Empty noticed the motion and it’s smirk became bigger.

“But where’s the fun in that? I’ll give you a clue though. I’m not here because of you or your brother. I’m here for Castiel or how did you call him earlier, _Cas_?” At that, Dean turned his head to Castiel, his gaze searching for answers. Castiel didn’t know what to do, didn’t let himself think of how to react if the entity came for him. He could only look back at Dean.

“Cas, what is he talking about?” Dean’s voice stayed even but his expression gave him away, worry and confusion spreading across his face. Before Castiel could answer however, The Empty laughed in disbelief, catching them both off guard and making them flinch. Its laugh was so much unlike Dean’s real laugh.

“Oh this is great. I mean Castiel I knew you had your fair share of tragedies but an entity would think you would at least settle your scores before you go” The Empty talked in an amused voice. “So which one of us will do the honours, _Cas_?” It asked. 

“Cas, what’s going on?” Castiel tugged at Dean’s outstretched arm, guiding Dean’s hand towards his. Now that he could, he wanted to hold Dean whenever he got the chance. “Dean, I need you to let me talk because right now we don’t have much time” Dean gave him a puzzled look “Talk.” he begged. Castiel wasted no time. He didn’t know for how long The Empty would wait on him.

“When Jack died and went to Heaven, his soul didn’t entirely belong to it. He is a Nephilim meaning a part of his soul belonged to The Empty.” Castiel nodded at the fake Dean who was now leaning on one of the chairs. “You mean, my doppleganger over there is-” Dean stared at him with wide eyes, words dying on his lips. “Yes. He’s the Empty.” Dean looked like he wanted to ask more but Castiel squeezed his arm as in to remind him to let him speak. Dean’s mouth opened and closed but then he just nodded.

“The Empty followed Jack into heaven, wanting to take him away from it and reclaim his soul.. I couldn’t let that happen so-” This was harder than Castiel thought. He never wanted Dean to know about his deal but he knew he owed him an explanation. “I made a deal” At that Dean let go of his hand and took a small step back in disbelief. Castiel missed the warmth of Dean’s hand immediately but he knew he needed to finish. 

“What did you do?” Dean asked coldly. 

“What I had to, Dean” Both of them started tearing up. “I couldn’t let Jack go there, I couldn’t. I went to Heaven to _save_ my son _, our son_ and that was exactly what I was gonna do.” Castiel took a small step towards Dean and a little wave of relief washed over him when Dean didn’t move.

“The Empty wanted to take me instead of Jack and I said yes, thinking I would die and that would be it. I didn't think of what or-or who I would be leaving behind, I was so focused on getting Jack back home.” Dean’s eyes now shined from tears but none of them spilled. Castiel knew he was trying to compose himself to make things easier for him. “The Empty however had other plans.” Castiel looked over Dean’s shoulder at The Empty, Dean’s head turning towards it.

The Empty held up its hands in the air, palms turned towards them “Don’t look at me like that, I had a full right to mess with Castiel after he pleaded to take Nephilim's soul from me. The rarest soul in the universe.” it finished. 

“What did you make him do?” Dean's voice broke at the end of his sentence and Castiel wanted to wrap him in his arms, to shield him from all the hurt he’s going through. “I didn’t _make_ him do anything.” the Empty said in a mocking voice. “Damn fool overestimated his willpower and gave up his happiness” 

Dean looked back to Castiel "Cas, what does he mean by that?" His voice trembled slightly.

The Empty however didn't wait for Castiel to clear the confusion. "I told him I would let him go back to his life but once he let himself be happy, I'd come for him" 

Dean let the first tear stream down his face. The angel was crying too. “Why didn’t you tell me? Cas, why the hell didn’t you tell me?” His words were harsh but he didn’t have the strength to yell them. Castiel never heard him so broken. In all his years on Earth, Castiel never felt tears stream down his face but of course the first time he feels them, it's because of Dean Winchester.

“Dean, you don’t seem to realize how good you’re for this world. How _important_. How many lives you and Sam saved. I couldn’t put yet another burden on your shoulders, not when I was more than able to carry it.” Dean’s lower lip trembled and he looked down, looking utterly defeated.

“Dean, you fought for this whole world. I knew if I told you about the deal you would fight for me too. You would’ve found a way to doom yourself yet again, for me. And I can’t live with that.” Castiel brought his hand to cup Dean’s jaw and gently pushed his head up so that he could look Dean in the eyes when he told him this. 

“Dean Winchester, I love you more than anything in this world. I will always love you no matter what. I raised you from perdition and helped you restore your life and in return you showed me how to live mine. And I’ll forever be grateful for that” They were both sobbing and Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He cupped Castiel’s head and brought his forehead to his lips. Castiel wrapped his hands around him, letting the feeling of Dean’s soft lips against his forehead absorb him. 

“I’ll come and get you, you know I will” Dean murmured against Castiel’s forehead 

“I’ll be waiting,” Castiel said, both of their eyes closed. “I’ll always wait for you”

And with that, Dean’s lips felt cold air replace Castiel’s forehead. 

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it. I hope it wasn't too cringe and that y'all liked it. Also I'm posting this before the extended trailer comes out so maybe if we get more deancas content I'll expand this work. Ty for reading :)


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